CadaverBlender

Few people know that Keith and I do a running commentary of the Oscars every year. It started when we lived together back in undergrad but continues to this day. Sunday’s broadcast marked the third time it occurred through AIM and being the smart people we are we decided to save the best of a dialogue this time around. So without further ado here is the “Best of Jesus’ and Keith’s Oscar Commentary.” (Editors note: Content has been edited only for clarity. Reader discretion is advised.)

On the 60 Minutes piece prior to the Oscars…

Keith (7:16:58 PM): I feel like if I had alcohol education earlier
Keith (7:17:05 PM): my drinks would have been better
Keith (7:17:11 PM): instead it took lots of trial and error
Jesus (7:17:35 PM): but the trial and error is the fun part
Keith (7:18:01 PM): remember the jim beam and vodka and koolaid experiment?
Jesus (7:18:03 PM): i mean that kool aid drink you made…

On Jesus and movies…

Jesus (8:33:18 PM): let it be known that between oscars i saw three movies in theatre….indiana jones, dark knight, dark knight
Keith (8:33:41 PM): you’re the only person I know who loves the Oscars and hates movies

On dancing…

Keith (8:37:01 PM): dancing is funny
Keith (8:37:11 PM): always to me
Keith (8:37:17 PM): its like a poop joke

The first of many “either/or”…

Keith (8:38:00 PM): Olivia Munn or Anne Hathaway?
Jesus (8:38:03 PM): munn
Keith (8:38:07 PM): agreed
Keith (8:38:15 PM): Olivia Munn or Hugh Jackman?
Jesus (8:38:23 PM): hugh
Keith (8:38:39 PM): damn I didn’t even have to sweeten the pot and say “wolverine” persona

On the dead person’s montage…

Jesus (8:38:44 PM): whens the dead persons montage
Keith (8:38:53 PM): its cliche to like the in memorium
Keith (8:38:59 PM): its everybody’s favorite part
Jesus (8:39:07 PM): did we lose anybody worthwhile this calendar year
Keith (8:39:15 PM): heath ledger (upon later research, Mr. Ledger was in last years montage, but this year’s batman)

On the presenters of Actress in a Supporting Role…

Jesus (8:43:14 PM): just why i watch the oscars…vaginas that hang like sleeve of wizard
Keith (8:43:16 PM): not a looker in the bunch

Another “either/or”…

Keith (8:45:42 PM): amy adams or anne hathaway?
Jesus (8:45:54 PM): amy adams

Back to the presenters…

Keith (8:46:02 PM): yikes
Keith (8:46:07 PM): saaaagy boobs
Jesus (8:46:21 PM): put some clothes on
Jesus (8:50:15 PM): so the grossest boobs of the night so far…goldie hawn

On BIG songs…

Keith (8:51:42 PM): if you could only listen to one notorious BIG song the rest of your life which would it be?
Jesus (8:51:53 PM): hypnotize
Keith (8:52:01 PM): I agree
Keith (8:52:06 PM): bit fan of mo money mo problems
Keith (8:52:12 PM): but hypnotize is better boating music
Jesus (8:52:15 PM): hell yeah

On Tina Fey…

Jesus (8:54:11 PM): i wish tina had better boobs
Keith (8:54:17 PM): hahaha I was typing the same thing
Keith (8:54:23 PM): I think my imagination was making them better

On writing a screenplay…

Jesus (8:55:13 PM): we should write a screen play
Keith (8:55:48 PM): I’m not buying you a typewriter, stop asking
Jesus (8:56:09 PM): i wouldn’t even know how much i would have to write to equal 30 minutes or an hour…anything like that
Keith (8:56:23 PM): yeah I’d imagine we’d overwrite
Keith (8:56:39 PM): “this movie would be …6 hours” … lets make it a trilogy!

“Either/or”…

Keith (9:02:54 PM): Mandy Moore or Tina Fey?
Jesus (9:02:59 PM): both
Jesus (9:03:02 PM): at the same time

Keith (9:06:12 PM): Wall E or Kung Fu panda?
Keith (9:06:22 PM): if you had to hook up with one …
Jesus (9:06:28 PM): panda…so furry
Keith (9:06:35 PM): you’re sick

On English as 2nd language…

Keith (9:10:00 PM): anyone without English as their primary language should get half the time
Jesus (9:10:08 PM): sank you?
Jesus (9:10:18 PM): what the fuck does that mean?
Keith (9:10:25 PM): I think he’s trying to seduce you
Jesus (9:10:37 PM): didn’t work…i wonder how long he practiced those 4 words

On the inspiration for Gotham City…

Keith (9:16:45 PM): too many Chicago references for something that was supposed to be new york
Jesus (9:17:05 PM): see i don’t buy that Gotham has to be NY
Keith (9:17:16 PM): I think it was supposed to be
Jesus (9:17:38 PM): i think its just an “any city” over taken by corruption…so Chicago is probably even better
Keith (9:17:49 PM): damn you

On Mark Prior…

Keith (9:22:03 PM): so are you ready to be shocked?
Jesus (9:22:31 PM): like Abu Ghraib style?
Keith (9:22:36 PM): yeah like that
Keith (9:22:53 PM): mark prior skipped a planned batting practice session already this season
Jesus (9:23:05 PM): glad i was sitting down…again

On pick up lines…

Keith (9:28:23 PM): I’m gonna try that line once
Keith (9:28:30 PM): “I’ll go to your room … but you have to seduce me”
Jesus (9:28:36 PM): yeah…i like it
Jesus (9:28:47 PM): its seems better than my standard “I wanna be on you”
Keith (9:29:07 PM): I thought your standard was “I’m already finished”

On Natalie Portman…

Jesus (9:32:37 PM): Natalie Portman may be one of the hottest chicks ever
Jesus (9:32:42 PM): this is funny
Jesus (9:33:39 PM): and her dress is amazing
Keith (9:33:55 PM): strange
Keith (9:33:58 PM): not in my top 10
Keith (9:34:01 PM): very hot
Keith (9:34:03 PM): but I dunno
Jesus (9:34:14 PM): oh man…shes fucking awesome

On Jessica Biel…

Jesus (9:38:47 PM): she may have reached her hotness peak
Keith (9:39:10 PM): bad dress …
Keith (9:39:19 PM): hotness peak during 7th heaven?
Jesus (9:39:30 PM): you better believe it..man
Keith (9:43:47 PM): I know

“Either/or”

Keith (10:53:56 PM): Meg Ryan … or Zac Effron

On Slumdog Millionaire music…

Jesus (10:56:53 PM): tunak tunak?
Keith (10:57:01 PM): duka duka duka

On Indian guys acceptance speech…

Jesus (11:02:30 PM): hate love…i chose love
Keith (11:02:32 PM): I feel like you’ve chosen hate
Jesus (11:02:47 PM): it chose me
Keith (11:03:26 PM): I’d make a star wars joke, but you won’t get it

On foreigners effect of the Oscars and economy…

Jesus (11:09:02 PM): too many foreigners this year…lets bring the Oscar back where it rightfully belongs
Keith (11:09:14 PM): this is whats wrong with the economy

On dead person’s montage (again)…

Keith (11:10:58 PM): get ready greg
Jesus (11:10:59 PM): DEAD PEOPLE!
Keith (11:10:59 PM): fluffer go
Keith (11:11:07 PM): do the sixth sense line
Jesus (11:11:19 PM): that should always be the lead in
Keith (11:11:23 PM): I don’t believe in the after life latifah
Keith (11:11:24 PM): oh no
Keith (11:11:26 PM): theres a song
Keith (11:11:26 PM): wtf
Jesus (11:11:34 PM): ruining the dead people montage
Jesus (11:12:18 PM): there will be a dead people montage at my funeral
Keith (11:12:28 PM): all of you?
Keith (11:17:48 PM): I have to admit
Keith (11:17:58 PM): If (when) I die before you
Keith (11:18:02 PM): can I have a clip in your montage?
Jesus (11:18:08 PM): absolutely
Keith (11:18:16 PM): awesome

On women…

Keith (11:26:48 PM): i feel like women in pieces pre-1920 based
Keith (11:27:01 PM): should not be eligible because at the time women were not taken seriously

On Kate Winslet…

Jesus (11:28:51 PM): she may be the best actress of our lifetime
Keith (11:29:13 PM): I sort of agree
Keith (11:29:22 PM): she does have a lot of range
Keith (11:30:58 PM): strangely kate winslett can win awards
Keith (11:31:00 PM): and show bush
Keith (11:31:01 PM): its amazing
Jesus (11:31:05 PM): yes

On movies watched…

Jesus (11:42:20 PM): i have an amendment to make to these minutes…
Jesus (11:42:31 PM): i saw a fourth movie between oscars…Step Brothers
Keith (11:42:42 PM): bastard
Keith (11:42:47 PM): I easily saw over 30
Jesus (11:42:55 PM): seeing richard jenkins jogged my memory

On Best Motion Picture presentation…

Jesus (11:50:55 PM): I am WILLIAM WALLACE!
Keith (11:51:39 PM): TONIGHT I DECLARE … PRIMA NOCTA

On Indian affairs…

Keith (11:53:04 PM): now they are playing tunak
Keith (11:53:05 PM): for sure
Jesus (11:53:09 PM): yes
Jesus (11:53:50 PM): who invited the kids from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?
Keith (11:54:01 PM): oh no
Keith (11:54:24 PM): one of my friends, who’s native american, still uses the phrase “dot or feather?”
Keith (11:54:29 PM): I find that strangely offensive
Jesus (11:54:39 PM): nice…i use that in select company
Keith (11:54:49 PM): I think he feels like he gets to
Keith (11:55:01 PM): like how some people can say the nword

As CadaverBlender approaches its 1 year anniversary look for a schedule that includes regularly posted material once again…FINALLY!

3 Responses to “The Oscars bring CadaverBlender Back!”

  1. Sam

    Biel comments- disturbing but funny
    dress comments- had me laughing
    dead people comments- funny

    you both should actually see slumdog to appreciate it… somehow i think even you 2 might not hate it, odd i know

  2. Theresa

    I thought the same thing about Goldie Hawns boobs. And did that Japanese guy thank his parents or his pencil? I’m pretty sure he said pencil but Jeff thought it might have been parents.

  3. Kalebarkab

    I want to find good pop music. Help me please.

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