CadaverBlender

The Story of Tiny Ted

October 22nd, 2008

The road trip to Bloomingpaign (that’s Bloomington, IN and Champaign, IL with stop over at the Indianapolis International Airport) had one simple goal: get a photo that could serve as Jesus’ new Facebook profile picture. Judging the weekend on that criteria, it was a great success. Judging the weekend on any other criteria, it was a great success. I can’t recall one time when I returned from a road trip and thought, “Well that was a fucking waste of time.” And this wasn’t any normal road trip. It took advanced planning to make sure Keith was not left stranded at the airport. So without further ado let CadaverBlender tell you the Story of Tiny Ted.

Our adventure began early on Thursday when Keith ventured to the mystical airport known as BWI. After the Arby’s, traditional roadtrip fare, he got in his ridiculous Southwest line (with TONS of wheelchair bound pre-boarders) and BOOM, there was a family of … Texas fans? Clemson Fans? Syracuse? Tennessee? … And just to be a jerk he asked the kid’s dad if it was a Buetjer jersey or JUUUUUICE?

But let the shenanigans begin. Whenever you find Jesus taking a shot its going to be a good weekend.

Now that’s what I call an action shot. The only logical explanation for Jesus taking a shot, is that he couldn’t find his beer. And that’s because he was drinking only the finest beer available, Miller High Life, in camouflage cans, of course!

We did shortly consider…BUSCH REGULAR.

How many beers do you see? Exactly. The next time you want to drink in public and not cause a scene, go for the camouflage beer cans.

Can someone honestly explain camouflage beer cans to me please? Whats the appeal, lets pack up a brick of cheap beer and get our guns and go hunting, nothing dangerous about that, guns save life, but drunken idiots getting hammered in the middle of nowhere, trying to be extra quiet and hidden, and then firing at will? Nope doesn’t seem at all dangerous or irresponsible, if anything the cans should be their regular colors (Editors note: They also make “hunter’s orange” cans. There’s one item of orange. Half way there.) so they’re easily found and shot at when you line them up on the fence because your truck is empty and you had to bury your buddy and hope that no one remembers he left on his virgin hunting trip with you. (Unrelated side note, we miss you Geoff)

There are many characters you find on a college campus. There’s guy with the Asian calf tattoo.

(Life tip, never ask someone what their Asian art tattoo means, the answer is NEVER satisfying, this was like bears, beets, nerds)

There’s drunk guy in pink who looks eerily like Jesus.

And then there’s Tiny Ted. When you meet Tiny Tim (God Bless Us, Everyone! I never correctly said Tiny Ted, and I won’t start now) you go, “No way that kid is in college.” If you’re like Keith you demand to take a picture with the youngest looking college student ever. But on the bright side the dude was a good host and would randomly break into neighbors houses. For some reason we found that funny.

(someday they’ll invent a photoshop filter to correct drunk keith eyes, until then enjoy!)

No night at college can end without a rousing rendition of some song from Rock Band. It’s as if it was decreed by God, himself. Did the pizza guy let himself into the house because the kids were rocking out too hard? Yes!

After a night at Indiana University it was time for Illinois. I’d call Champaign CadaverBlender’s “home away from home”, but its actually more of a “vacation home”. You know- beaches, bikini clad coeds, bonfires, booze, and the “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” mentality. So really its cornfields, hoodie draped coeds, grill fires, booze, and “We’ll post about our adventures on the internets so all can read” mentality.

No trip to Champaign is complete without the gratuitous Morrow Plots shot.

(mark kind of looks like dwight’s cousin mose, especially in that pose)

While there is a really sweet new building on campus, the College of Business Instructional Facility, the real eye catcher is the McFarland Memorial Penis. So they call it a Bell Tower, but you look at this picture and tell me it’s not a penis.

(One unnamed co-author of this blog didn’t hate the tower as much as everyone else, and desperately hoped he could one day play the tune of “Flintstones” via remote.)

And good for Mr. McFarland, because anybody that well endowed should want to show it off. Jesus actually had a moment where he considered changing his architecture thesis to design a companion piece to the Penis, naturally called, “Vagina in the Sky”. But that would have to wait because there were other observations to be had.

Such as, “Is this atrium ever going to be close to filled except for today when it was for the Business Instructional Facility grand opening?”

Or, “Placing brown paper bags over parking meters is still the best way to indicate they are not to be used?”

(keith was yelling, look look look they still do this!)

Or, “How come I’m just now finding out the fire station on campus is a “Safe Haven” to drop off your unwanted babies?” – What if you babies need savin’ on a holiday, who will come to their rescue, or during the ooky cookie game upstairs?

It’s amazing the things you’ll notice when you’re doing nothing but wandering around campus aimlessly. But the fun was only beginning as the all day Saturday tailgate was still to come.

Tailgating needs to only involve three things: people (let me clarify that you should enjoy their company), food (and with that comes a means of cooking anything that needs a good flame), and of course, booze. I’d say a quality cornhole set is next on the list if you have room for it. And once the power of those ingredients combine you have a great time.

Such a combination will entice you to visit long lost people (ok like 2-ish years) you may or may not particularly like. But the visit is worth it because you get to cross your favorite cemetery. You’ll be convinced that riding the cannon that serves as a memorial to Civil War veterans as though its a furry tractor is a good idea.

And trust me, it was a FABULOUS idea. Even despite the old man creeping around the cemetery as though he was going to participate in his own shenanigans and was just waiting for us to finish ours.

Honestly, why do the little igniters on grills die after three uses? That has to be the least reliable part put onto a consumer product in the history of man. Think about it, for some reason after two clicks when it seems awesome, the next time you fire up your grill it just clicks but never sparks, piece of shit! Keith was also extremely shocked that Jesus brought with Propane, he’s like the anti-Hank Hill, what was next, would he be going Republican?

You’ll also decide that no matter how drunk you ever get you’ll never piss in a series of urinals that are this closely spaced.

I mean, seriously, what is that 6 inches? How did the founders of CB improvise? We just peed directly on the Stock Pavilion floor, and don’t pretend like that’s gross, urine was by far the least of the Stock Pavilion’s bad smells.

And finally it will prove what you’ve been saying for years. That when drunk you’ll gladly ride a bull.

Save a coed, ride a barrel! (the barrel had HPV, but we haven’t told Jesus yet.)

I’m pretty sure I lasted for eight seconds on that particular ride. And let me tell you, its definitely all fun and games…until you fall and land on the fucking ridiculously hard ground. But that’s why you did it drunk, so it hurts less.

And its at this point when you know its time to wrap up the tailgate and head to the stadium.

Notice the Penis looming in the distance. Scary shit.

CB also continued its long standing streak of smuggling illegal beverages into sporting events. The silly security never noticed, guess they didn’t recognize the booze sammich fiends.

And just like the rest of the weekend, we kicked ass.

Now what you’ve all been waiting for, after reading the long tale of our shenanigans, BONUS CORN!

CB Game: Count the number of “pre-boarders” getting on a BWI to Indianapolis flight.

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