With the economy in the dump and gasoline prices through the roof there is no way you’re going on vacation this summer. Sure I just returned from a week at the beach, but clearly I’m the exception to the rule. You’re not going anywhere, except maybe a tanks worth of gas away, which qualifies as a staycation. If you’re lucky enough to live in the Louisville, KY or Chicago, IL metro areas you’re in luck, CadaverBlender has a handful of staycation destinations you should visit. Pack up the kids and head out on a day trip, your staycation awaits.
For the Skeptics- Tucked between the tri-state border of Kentucky, Indiana, and Ohio lies Petersburg, KY. Until last May, not only was there no real reason to have ever heard of Petersburg, but also no reason to stop in Petersburg. And then God said, “Let there be a Creation Museum” and of course there was a museum dedicated to the beginning of Earth as translated literally from the Biblical book of Genesis. In true Jesus fashion (me Jesus, not Jesus Christ) its a big “hey fuck you” to science because we all know dinosaurs and humans coexisted on an Earth only 6000 years old and created in just 6 days. Its time to set the kids straight before the public schools get a hold of them and teach evolution, so make sure the Creation Museum is a stop on this years staycation.
For the Rock Lovers- Vacations or in this case, staycations, are supposed to be fun and relaxing. So what better way to kill a lot of time than by exploring the largest cave system in the world at Mammoth Cave National Park. That’s right, Kentucky has a national park. A claim that can’t be made by roughly half the other states. So take that those of you who think Kentucky is racist based on the Democratic primary results (Note: There is no correlation between having a national park and being/not being racist). It’s not only a national park but also a more prestigious World Heritage Site and international Biosphere Reserve. There are plenty of adventures and cave tours but word to the wise. With the ever growing obesity epidemic in America watch out for one tour in particular, Fat Man’s Misery.
For those Who Like their Wood Hard- I’m not advocating anything that would not be a kosher family staycation but rather the Louisville Slugger Museum. The museum in downtown Louisville is adorned with the world’s largest baseball bat. Measuring six stories and 68,000 pounds the replica Slugger, hollow and made of steel, leans against the northeast corner of the building. Along with a great history of America’s past time (more than just bat information), visitors get a behind scenes tour of the production of the most famous equipment in all of sport. At the end of the tour you even get a mini replica Louisville Slugger to take home and keep under the bed in case of burglars or for midget baseball.
For Conspiracy Theorist- So what’s really inside the United States Bullion Depository? One would think bullion, but one may be mistaken. The Depository claims to hold most of the US gold reserves, but since our money has long not been backed by gold, what’s really in there? To find out head to the military base that houses the Depository, Fort Knox. There have been plenty of conspiracies along the way, including the gold being moved to London during the 1960s, so the only way to know for sure is to see it with your own eyes. Oh wait, you’re not looking to be shot, killed, arrested, so on and so forth on your staycation, then never mind, just watch Goldfinger.
If Money’s Really Tight- Stay home and use your goddam imagination like when you were a child.
1. Naturally any Chicago suburbanite desires a city that goes beyond cookie cutter. I’d like to pretend I was not a victim of sales but my number one choice is … GALESBURG. I spent 4 years knowing a bunch of people from the area. They made it seems like a great oasis in the middle of northwest Illinois … hell I might fly back … but not to see Chicago rather GALESBURG. (http://www.visitgalesburg.com/)
2. Indiana Beach – There’s more than Corn in Indiana! (http://www.indianabeach.com/blog/)
I went to Indiana Beach numerous times as a kid … as a kid it was super fun. Now typically you can use the standard that anything fun as a kid is fun when you’re drunk. So naturally its time to fill up the car and head on down to the best theme park in the middle of no where. Its the only blog in the world that I will openly admit is better than CB!
*You should also note that the previous slogan was that “There’s more than Corn and Basketball in Indiana” but was recently revised because they no longer have any decent basketball.
3. Cedar Point
When I wasn’t at Indiana Beach I often visited Cedar Point. Now the trick is that this is a legit park with great thrills and is a must stop for any serious roller coaster enthusiast. Additionally its constructed on a peninsula, how many peninsulas have you visited recently? The clear answer is not enough. A long time ago their feature characters were the Berenstain Bears, what religion do you imagine those bears were? Additionally the roller coasters used to evoke some of those “I might die” type feelings. When they boasted the tallest roller coaster, the Magnum XL 2000, you had a seatbelt on and a flimsy lap bar … coming out of your seat for that long was unreal … it honestly felt like you might float away.
4. Colonial Williamsburg Or Monticello
Alright technically I don’t live in Chicago any more … and perhaps I should expose some of my plans for the summer. I’ll probably only do one of these things. Williamsburg is mostly to try and make the characters drop cover … think Dwight in Ben Franklin or the Pioneer Village in South Park’s “Super Fun Time”. Wait side rant … West Virginia has two slogans … both of which describe it! “Wild and Wonderful!” “Open for Business” “Almost Heaven”. I’m totally going to visit West Virginia again and this time I won’t talk nonstop about Pittsnogle.
5. Walk around your apartment / house naked, its a vacation from your clothes and a treat for your roommates! Best of all its free, well until the police see the neighborhood kids enjoying the free show.
Alright, now its your turn. Where are you going this summer for your staycation?