CadaverBlender

So you’ve finally got your $600 rebate from the government that would have been better spent on research for alternative fuel sources, stem cell research, prosecuting crazy cults, time travel, or upgrading our pathetic school system. However Mr. President, in his infinite wisdom, thought giving everybody a few hundred bucks would stimulate the economy. So as long as you got the money you might as well spend it on something exciting (Note: For most it’d be best served going towards rent, groceries, gas, credit card payment, etc.). But if you decided to say “fuck it” and take care of those necessities later, than here’s a few ways to help spend that $600.

Jesus

1. Buy .000002% of your favorite professional sports team- What better way to spend your money than on a true passion? If you want a larger share for your money look into buying a hockey team. If you don’t mind a little less control for a more successful sport look towards the NFL. No longer will you have to sit on the couch and question the moves of the owner and GM. Now you’ll be the one to blame for .000002% of the franchise’s problems. On the other hand you’ll receive praise for .000002% of your team’s success. Either way this is most definitely a win-win situation.

2. Take it to the track- If you’re looking to increase your rebate but don’t have the knowledge or patience for the stock market, than head to the local horse track or off track betting facility and shoot for instant return with a well placed exacta, trifecta, or superfecta. No need to worry about losing the $600 because its money you didn’t know you were going to have (except for a couple months now since the President announced the rebate). So win or lose taking your $600 and putting it on the ponies, just like buying .000002% of your favorite team, is a win-win situation. (Note: Not responsible for emotional distress caused by possible on-track death of horse.)

3. Get drunk, a lot- A nice keg of beer costs roughly $100 (depending on your definition of nice- Budweiser $80 v. Sam Adams $120). There are about 165 “cans” worth of beer in a keg. Invite ten of your best buds over for 5 consecutive Saturdays and just get drunk. But don’t stop there. Make sure those 10 friends return the favor and you have a year’s worth of Saturdays to get drunk with your friends (like that’s any different when a $600 rebate isn’t involved?). If you don’t drink quite as much as myself you can always invite 20 people from your entourage over and than you have two years covered when each returns the favor. I know what you are thinking. And yes I can go a post without mentioning booze, alcohol, beer, etc. Go back and look at the archives and you’ll see.

4. Upgrade an aspect of the man cave- Maybe its time you make the jump to HD. Maybe its time you bought the jamming sound system. Maybe its time you bought the billards table. Whatever aspect of the man cave that needs updating will sure get a boost with $600. Maybe you combine this idea with the above idea and booze at the man cave that gets the update. Sure that cuts 5 Saturdays of drinking off the schedule, but its more fun watching your favorite professional sports team (now as .000002% owner, oh man another 5 fewer days to drink) on that big screen HD than it is on your tiny regular definition TV.

5. Help somebody- Donate your money to your favorite charity. Kidding. I’m kidding.

Other ideas- a fine prostitute (I was going to use hooker, but I don’t think hookers are “fine”, I’m thinking Julia Roberts “Pretty Woman” type hooker, I mean prostitute), take a weekend getaway (my 3 day excursion to Oakland fit this $600 budget), get an abortion (or use a coat hanger and use the money for something listed above, kidding. I’m kidding), give G.W. a big “hey fuck you” and save it (eat my shit, Bush!), fill up your gas tank…once, use some moderation and only buy .000001% of your favorite team, take $100 to the track, get drunk 1 Saturday, and save $100 for an emergency situation.

Keith

1. Buy Second Hand Goods – Nothing helps the economy more than shopping estate / garage sales, ebay and craigslist! I was going to say spend it on other sorts of ‘entertainment’ (apparently also found on craigslist and some street corners) BUT I do not recommend that as your vendor may accidentally spend the money on drugs and then their drug dealer might buy something in the local economy.

2. Porn – No better time than the present to renew your subscriptions and bring in the summer line … oops I mean invest the money. Invest in an expensive fetish? I don’t know … go wild!

3. Lottery Tickets – I won’t advocate any kind of gambling here … but wait state funded gambling that supports the schools! Its win-win-win! No really why not turn your six thousand pesos into six million pesos .. wait you’re still kind of not doing great with 6 million pesos so wait for a grande bola de power!

4. Emergency Fund – Who knows what the emergency will be … $1 taco sale? broken condom? beer clearance sale? either way with this emergency fund you’ll be fully prepared for everything! Try and earn some decent interest, compound those pennies

5. Finally heres my serious suggestion … just figure out something nice that you couldn’t budget for … do you have a nice HDTV? Comfortable sheets? Seen your favorite baseball team live yet? … and most importantly if you don’t have a Wii … grab one its great fun.

3 Responses to “6,264.61 Pesos Burning a Hole in my Pocket!”

  1. Allen Taylor

    Nice writing. You are on my RSS reader now so I can read more from you down the road.

    Allen Taylor

  2. 6,264.61 Pesos Burning a Hole in my Pocket!

    […] Original post by [Technorati] Tag results for beer […]

  3. Mark

    GREAAAT!

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