CadaverBlender

We’ve all experienced it. Someone dies and without hesitation somebody will utter, “he was taken before his time”. For me there is no mystery. The individual died so clearly it was his time. I don’t understand the confusion. So with that in mind, CadaverBlender presents the top individuals (we like liberal definitions here, so individual doesn’t necessarily mean a person) “taken before their time”. Who would make your list of individuals “taken before their time”?

Jesus

1. Insert High School Student Here

crashSometimes it’s the star quarterback, sometimes it’s the ugly duckling, sometimes it’s the creepy guy. But no matter who it was, we all know of a high school student “taken before their time”. Usually it’s a horrific car crash (sometimes alcohol or drugs play a role) that takes their precious dream filled youth and leaves it splattered on the asphalt or wrapped around a tree. It leaves everybody wondering “what if he wasn’t taken before his time?” without realizing that it was his time considering he is dead.

2. Ronald Reagan

Ronald ReaganMaybe I’m just being selfish, but with the current economic woes who couldn’t go for some Reaganomics right now? I know what you’re thinking, “He was 93 when he died and had battled Alzheimer’s for (at least) 10 years.”, but I was in Greece when Reagan passed away and therefore feel cheated not being able to celebrate the life of everyone’s favorite President. I mean seriously, the War on Drugs, Iran-Contra Affair, “Star Wars”, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Truly a man with a lot of work left to do (thank God for the to-do list since he sure as hell wasn’t going to remember), only to be taken before his time.

3. Jesus Christ

JesusA man(?) in his mid-30s who had only recently come to the realization that he was God before being put to death through crucifixion. Talk about a raw deal. Imagine what he could have done with his God powers. But maybe, in the end, he wasn’t taken before his time, as he supposedly rose from the dead on the third day and now we (at least some of us) await his second coming. If only the high school student could be more like Jesus.

4. Sports Nite

Sports NiteIn my opinion the best show by the great Aaron Sorkin and somehow it lasted just 2 seasons and 45 episodes. Let me list some of the cast: Robert Guillaume, Felicity Huffman, Peter Krause, and regular guest star William H. Macy. How does this comedy-drama about sports based loosely on SportsCenter not make it? Well apparently it was suicide. Even though it struggled to find an audience on ABC, the cable channels of HBO, Showtime, and USA offered it a slot, but Sorkin left it die to focus his attention on The West Wing. If you check out the Sports Nite Wikipedia entry you can see how The West Wing borrowed heavily from Sports Nite.

5. Ryan Leaf

The second pick in the 1998 NFL Draft was completely out of the NFL by 2002. Oh he’s still alive you say. Sorry.

Keith

1. Phil Hartman

Phil HartmanI won’t run down his resume, but you can look up the billion things he was a part of or the number of voices on the Simpsons that he did. You may remember him from the time that his wife shot him and then killed herself and took a great comedian from the world.

2. Chris Farely

Chris FarleyWell this one is kind of obvious, but I have to give some respect and make one complaint. Maybe its because I can draw from personal experience to create a SuperFan, or maybe its because I thought he rarely missed on SNL sketches and I could always get at least a chuckle from a fall. He just had something, the thing that made you leave on Tommy Boy instead of studying for finals because well it would be over pretty soon and you could study later. But heres my complaint, he and Spade were quite the duo, if you’re going to take one tragically, then please take the other so we don’t have to suffer through him awkwardly for years to come. Wait scratch that … I might have watched Joe Dirt instead of studying too. But in that case I would admit I made a questionable decision, not with Tommy Boy.

3. Strom Thurmond

Strom ThurmondNow heres the last guy you expect to be on this list, but let me explain. He holds the record for longest filibuster, and I’m not talking about a nifty 8 hour rant, no this was like 24 hours 18 minutes. He used up all of his passion to try and keep that civil rights nonsense away and maintain a standard of seperate but equal… obviously that was the beginning of a glorious career (please note the heavy sarcasm to this point). I think he probably still had a 48 hour rant deep down when god took him so early at the ripe age of … Lets just look at his career, if you’re going to break a record, make it like 2,632 don’t leave room to be caught. 46 years has already been beaten, and was not half of his 100 year life. Like I said, taken far too early.

4. 2pac / Biggie

TupacI was never really sure if the hate was real or if it was just theatrics … turns out it was dangerously real. I think we can all admit to loving a few tunes by these two and there could have been that many more. I’m rarely one to toss the old school card, but this was a real rivalry, it makes Kanye v 50 cent look like schoolgirls.

5. The Critic

The CriticThis cartoon had everything, it was a rare show to survive two networks (FOX & ABC). It was topical like South Park but it also had random toss away ala Family Guy. Sure all the episodes were about him being fat, it probably took far too long to animate and Lovitz was a pain in the ass. But all that aside it was a really funny show that never really got the love it deserved. As much as some of the jokes are dated, you still get them because lets face it, Jurassic Park might be even funnier today given the fact that it had two shitty sequels. Also this is the thing in my DVD collection people most frequently ask to borrow.

Honorable Mentions

2003 Chicago Cubs, Darrent Williams, John Ritter, Health Ledger (mostly selfish, I expect his Joker will be good and not die in the second batman but the door for him in a third or fourth film will be closed), the guy from Sublime who was way to into chasing the dragon.

5 Responses to “The Good Die Young, Pricks Live Forever”

  1. Mark

    I will never forget that Ronald Reagan montage. Glorious.

  2. Rick

    Jay Sherman will forever live in our hearts. No one will ever forget his trip to Springfield to judge the film festival. “I was saying boo-urns!’

  3. keith

    Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener …

  4. dan

    after graduation, we traded greg to ball state for a couple of cute girls. so now we actually have something nice to look at in our studios, but something is still missing. Greg’s rants. There was a time I took them for granted, they were like elevator music in studio, I thought they would always be there. I was wrong. I am left with witless banter, and annoying people talking. Not cool. cute girls in architecture or jesus…….

  5. Jesus

    Cute girls or my rants? That is not a choice one should have to make. They should be a combo. There is nothing I hate more than “witless banter and annoying people talking”. Hopefully, at least the spirit of my rants shine through here.

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